little child feelings. still writing about this. :)

we left off at solomon's inadequacy and God's response-His enablement and gift (of wisdom and discernment). hmmmm. scott spoke to our students at church last night about letting go of feelings of insecurity and really becoming who God put them on the planet to be. it's this solomon prayer and trust for God to meet him at his need.  back to 3:10- "it was pleasing in the sight of the Lord that solomon had asked this thing." He was pleased to give this.

i think every post, i've written, "this is personal." ;) today...again.  can i write this out because i need the therapy of the writing of it?...  so. this is my day.  wake early. (always)...for awhile there, my clock was edging itself toward a greater capacity to stay up with my husband (after spending a year working nights at the hospital)...but my clock is my clock. an internal birdsong.  scott and i are the greatest of extremes...he being the night owl (practically nocturnal) and me...extreme morning. extreme. like between four and five-normal waking.  we literally pass in the night most nights. i am rising when he is settling in and just getting that rapid-eye movement going on. so...with a couple hours usually of quiet (sometimes three or four)...i start my day. i love the quiet of the morning, but lately i am not always quiet in my spirit. i often have preparations to make for the day/lesson planning for school...sometimes dishes from the night before... and i run into the day. i work hard, but i don't always work smart. and soooo very often i walk into the day feeling rushed and overwhelmed and inadequate, and i don't always ask for what i need like solomon did. i often feel like his sentiment...i am but a little child. half the time, i so soak in scott's messages to our students and feel like a teenager again. and again and again. and it's great to be at that teachable and relatable place. but i'm 39. and i need to believe that i have matured to a place of service, and that i am adequate to the tasks He's given me. and to believe that when i have asked for help and for wisdom and for discernment...that He has given it and i am capable in His strength of accomplishing what i am on this planet to do and be.

haha...i love when ideas line themselves up in my brain and it all comes together. thank You, Jesus *sigh* thank You for Your counsel and thoughts in my spirit.  so....one of my bestest friends just had an important interview and when one of the questions asked was about a specific aspect  of the program that she had especially studied and prepared for, in bubbly joy she prayed, "God, you're just showing off! You're showing off right now!!!!" (You want to meet my need and give and give more than how we could have ever imagined!!!!!!) and going back to solomon... chapter four records how glorious his wisdom was: verses 29-34, "now God gave solomon wisdom and very great discernment and breadth of mind, like the sand that is on the seashore.  solomon's wisdom surpassed the wisdom of all the sons of the east and all the wisdom of egypt. for he was wiser than all men, than ethan the ezrahite, heman, calcol and darda, the sons of mahol; and his fame was known in all the surrounding nations. he also spoke 3000 proverbs, and his songs were 1005. he spoke of trees, from the cedar that is in lebanon even to the hyssop that grows on the wall; he spoke also of animals and birds and creeping things and fish. men came from all peoples to hear the wisdom of solomon, from all the kings of the earth who had heard of his wisdom." God was showing off when he answered solomon's prayer. solomon just asked to be adequate to the king-task. but God made him greater than allllll the other kings and rulers and gave him wisdom like the sand that is on the seashore.

have you heard the story of george washington carver? (stephanie paraphrase/retelling) scientist. botanist i think and professor. and lover of God. he asked God once (being the thinker and scientist that he was)...how did You make the world? and listening, God's response: that is too great for your brain. you can't comprehend, george. your brain can't take it. so he asked...ok, how did You make man? again, God said: sweet george, you could never understand. it's too great for you. i'm so sorry.  so, in this quiet questioning, george in slight frustration paused and waited and then asked...ok, well can you just tell me something about a peanut????!! and...for. the. next. 48. hours. george washington carver did not eat or sleep (if i have the story right)...but found one use after another for the peanut. God was showing off. 

to say something about God that i think...that i think i perceive...that may be an idea but something that i can't always chapter and verse from the bible, i am carrreeeeful.  but this...i think i know about God. when. we. ask. He wants to answer and He wants to show off...to show our wondering little brains more of who He is and what He can do.  (like in the movie, rise of the guardians, when jack frost gets soooo excited that the kid can see him and clues in to allll the things that he can do.)

God didn't just give solomon what he needed to rule his people. He gave and gave and gave more. more than solomon asked. 

what am i waiting for? these daily feelings familiar feelings of inadequacy and of feeling like a little child. it's 7:00 a.m. on the nose, and still quiet and as i post this, i will steady these thoughts of i'm not equal to the tasks of this day. and pray. and ask. and wait and how can i contain the flooding of His answer and His adequacy in my weakness and His showing off in my little home and in my little world?

my God is faithful. and... in honor of this and of george, i'm going to go make peanut butter toast. ;)

i am but a little child

--this is personal--
in first kings three, solomon is in this place.  he. feels. inadequate.  v. 7 "now, o Lord my God, You have made Your servant king in place of my father david, yet i am but a little child; i do not know how to go out or come in."

yet.

at this child-place, God gave solomon what. he. needed.

he didn't know how to rule a people "too many to be numbered or counted." he asked for an understanding heart and for discernment.

we always talk about solomon's wisdom. i like seeing this a bit closer. he was granted specifically wisdom and discernment. v. 10 "it was pleasing in the sight of the Lord that solomon had asked this thing...God said to him, '...i have given you a wise and discerning heart.'" this is what he needed to rule and to govern. this is exactly what solomon needed.

i feel at the place of child-need.  what am i always telling my children?

***i am so glad i sat down to write today. i am wrecked. and He is close and He is growing me up.***

when my children are in need, their first impulse?!! not even necessary for me to type it out, is it?...*panic!!* tears. and the whine voice that i've caught myself doing crazy impulsive things to silence.  *but He is so patient. soooo patient. He never slaps His hand over my mouth or (like when they were little) a paci between my lips.* Jesus, thank. You. i want to silence the whining and the tears that echo like background noise screaming: "things aren't ok. resolve this conflict, mom. mom. mom!!!! i need you, mom!" and i see the need. i see the conflict, and i correct. correct. correct. because it is justice. (and i'm a bit like solomon who judged between...and advocated justice.)  but i always always tell them if they have a need to ask. nicely. stephanie every. day. mom words: "i will not respond to whining. please ask. me. nicely."  

the whining is impulsive and unrestful and full of panic and fearful and discontented. and i am coming to the end of a week of it in my spirit. oh Jesus, forgive me. i have been impulsive and unrestful and full of panic and fearful and discontented. unchecked. wait, no. this is Jesus speaking and journaling through me and checking me as i type.  

and. He will give what. i. need. in my inadequacy. as a mom. as a teacher. as a bill-payer and wife and maid. because i'm pretty sure it's "pleasing in the sight of the Lord" when i ask nicely...

oh Jesus, thank You for checking my whining. and for assurance in my spirit that You lovvvve to meet my need and You want me to ask nicely (not because of impatience/You're not like me)...but because You want me to crawl up in Your lap and. ask. i love Your giving heart to me, Abba (Daddy).