--personal thoughts--
i've been pensive and actually at times overwhelmed with thoughts concerning life changes that i see in the near future. God is at work in our community. in our church. in our culture. in our country and all over this planet. and...i just want to see Him. and to help others see Him. and i am completely sure completely convinced that God wants me to use my time and my days and to put myself out there to be a part of what He is doing. but...
i have had insecurities...hindrances...having confidence in what i am called to do. i know i am supposed to write and teach and do artistic and musical things...this is who He made me to be and do. and i have this compassion for hurting people that took me to the hospital for a year...and i'm questioning what to do with the compassion and how to serve. all of these things may enable me to be a part of what God is doing! but...there's some insecurity that i need to get past. and it's not fear that i won't do well but that i will stand out too much or be up in front too much.
i shared yesterday with the moms and students at my kids' school (our homeschool-school ;)...where we learn together with other families as we are studying the same curriculum). it was our family's turn to share how we "know God and make Him known." so...i shared about youth ministry and briefly about taking teenagers and college students to children's homes to share Christ. and i was transparent as i shared this insecurity that i'm feeling about using my gifts. i really wanted to minister to the moms somehow and their kids and to bless all of them, but i'm sure i was more encouraged throughout the day than they were in the morning...with words of edification and love. and encouragement to be who God made me to be.
and now looking back at my notes and some written prayer and journaling from the last week, i had written, "i have been hindered by insecurities and fear of standing out if i really start working and serving with my gifts/talents. these are given to me by God and i am blessed. i was getting ready to write about this-even this morning-when i read the lesson for today about being God's worker. enabled by the Holy Spirit. (from beth moore's tabernacle study). thank You so very much for speaking to me and increasing my faith."
so i'm thankful for the evidence that He is interested and moving me/my heart...but i need to deal with the fear. my fear is that i will stand out. and God is speaking now to my heart. and this is where david king david comes in again. this did not concern him. he was so intensely caught up in worship that he dis-adorned (probably not a word ;) ) his royal robes and danced. i need to let it go. "dis-adorn" the fear...let it fall off. as i've thought of this, it's even occurred to me that insecurity keeps me focused on me. what i am to do/how i am to be...too much thinking and pondering on this keeps me focused on me.
so i will let it fall off like david's robe and dance (well my version of dance...more like write and sing and teach)....
Jesus, thank You for freedom from insecurity.
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